Who to marry?

April 15, 2009

I dedicate this post to all my friends who are still single.

Marriage is a big event for anyone. Finding the person to marry is the behind the scene happenings prior to the big day. Some intentionally scout around. Some will wait for things to happen. I guess different people will work towards marriage in their own way and I will share what worked for me and what I have learned.

Principle I held: The person I marry must be a christian, a born again believer.  The rationale behind this principle: A born again christian will have her thinking and actions influenced by the Holy Spirit.  It means we will have common beliefs affecting our actions and our thinking.

For a christian marrying a non christian or even a non christian marrying a non christian, it will be more difficult finding commonality, so I think they will really need to be meticulous when finding a mate. For me, I was prepared to be single if I cannot find a believer with mutual feelings. And God gave me a peace in my heart when I was about to go steady with my girlfriend/wife.  It was a sweet and deep peace  in my heart and it occurred while I was asleep.

Below are lessons that I learned.

Lesson 1:

Marry a person for what he/she thinks. Guys, especially, like to look at physical attractiveness, even for ladies the statement holds true. I am not asking you to marry an ugly spouse but physical appearance should not be the first priority. Adjusting our expectations is important here.

Lesson 2:

It is important that the relationship start right in order for it to carry through to completion, ie marriage.

Lesson 3:

Keep your emotions in check when looking for a spouse. Do not fall in love without first knowing the person. This, in my view, is the most difficult thing to do. For me, I got to know my wife through  chat and I got to know more of her first before falling in love. Easier if I don't meet the person first.

Lesson 4:

Always be honest when relating to your boyfriend, girlfriend. Be upfront about everything. If there is no trust, there can be no relationship

Lesson 5:

I told my girlfriend, now wife about two weaknesses/flaws that I had before we became steady. If she can accept the weakest thing about you, the more likely she is to accept you when you marry.

Lesson 6:

Saving/Spending habits need to be considered. This I learned on hindsight. We are both savers, so no problem for us.

Lesson 7:

It is better that both be informed of their plans after marriage. For example, in my case, my wife always wanted to come to the US after marriage and I had difficulty accepting that fact. At last, I yielded but after seeking advice from friends. Eventually, it turned out that I like it here in Joliet.

Lesson 8:

Be the right person to be married to and be ready rather than look for the right person to marry when you are not ready. It is easier for us christians to be Mr/Ms Right because the measure is whether we are 'Christ-like'.

Lesson 9:

What you achieve in your career, education etc does not count much when it comes to finding a girlfriend/boyfriend or husband/wife

Advice from the bible about seeking commonality in marriage:

2 Cor 6:14:

14Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? - kjv