Who to marry?

April 15, 2009

I dedicate this post to all my friends who are still single.

Marriage is a big event for anyone. Finding the person to marry is the behind the scene happenings prior to the big day. Some intentionally scout around. Some will wait for things to happen. I guess different people will work towards marriage in their own way and I will share what worked for me and what I have learned.

Principle I held: The person I marry must be a christian, a born again believer.  The rationale behind this principle: A born again christian will have her thinking and actions influenced by the Holy Spirit.  It means we will have common beliefs affecting our actions and our thinking.

For a christian marrying a non christian or even a non christian marrying a non christian, it will be more difficult finding commonality, so I think they will really need to be meticulous when finding a mate. For me, I was prepared to be single if I cannot find a believer with mutual feelings. And God gave me a peace in my heart when I was about to go steady with my girlfriend/wife.  It was a sweet and deep peace  in my heart and it occurred while I was asleep.

Below are lessons that I learned.

Lesson 1:

Marry a person for what he/she thinks. Guys, especially, like to look at physical attractiveness, even for ladies the statement holds true. I am not asking you to marry an ugly spouse but physical appearance should not be the first priority. Adjusting our expectations is important here.

Lesson 2:

It is important that the relationship start right in order for it to carry through to completion, ie marriage.

Lesson 3:

Keep your emotions in check when looking for a spouse. Do not fall in love without first knowing the person. This, in my view, is the most difficult thing to do. For me, I got to know my wife through  chat and I got to know more of her first before falling in love. Easier if I don't meet the person first.

Lesson 4:

Always be honest when relating to your boyfriend, girlfriend. Be upfront about everything. If there is no trust, there can be no relationship

Lesson 5:

I told my girlfriend, now wife about two weaknesses/flaws that I had before we became steady. If she can accept the weakest thing about you, the more likely she is to accept you when you marry.

Lesson 6:

Saving/Spending habits need to be considered. This I learned on hindsight. We are both savers, so no problem for us.

Lesson 7:

It is better that both be informed of their plans after marriage. For example, in my case, my wife always wanted to come to the US after marriage and I had difficulty accepting that fact. At last, I yielded but after seeking advice from friends. Eventually, it turned out that I like it here in Joliet.

Lesson 8:

Be the right person to be married to and be ready rather than look for the right person to marry when you are not ready. It is easier for us christians to be Mr/Ms Right because the measure is whether we are 'Christ-like'.

Lesson 9:

What you achieve in your career, education etc does not count much when it comes to finding a girlfriend/boyfriend or husband/wife

Advice from the bible about seeking commonality in marriage:

2 Cor 6:14:

14Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? - kjv

Living in Joliet

March 25, 2009

We have been staying in Joliet for a year and over now. I guess it's time to introduce to my friends  the city of Joliet.

The city of Joliet is situated 1 hour drive south west of  chicago. If we go to chicago, we normally take a train from city center in Joliet  and it's around one and a half hour ride. Joliet is divided by the Des Plaines river into east and west. Security in the east side and near west side is not so good. Sometimes, we hear reports of gang related shooting around the area, even near the city center. Security in the far west side is better.

Joliet has a population of 145,000 and is illinois fourth largest city. Most of the population here are whites with some blacks and some hispanics. Very few asians.

We have 4 seasons here in Joliet. Winter is from November to March. January is usually the coldest month. Spring is March to May. Tornadoes come during  spring.  Summer from June to August. Fall from September to November.

There are 2 casinos in Joliet, the Harrah's casino and Empress casino. Tax on revenue from the casinos fund the city budget. Car racing is popular in Joliet and attracts fans from other cities to their Chicagoland speedways and Route 66 raceway. Other attractions include a JackHammers baseball stadium and Splash station. There is also the Louis Joliet mall, a major mall in Joliet. You can find more information on the city of Joliet here.

Bus service is served by Pace. Usually the bus comes around 1 hour or 1/2 hour interval. Taxi service is served by Telecab. There are not enough taxis on the road for us to wait by the road and flag it down. So we have to call a number to get a cab (we don't have to pay for calling the cab). It is customary that we give tips for cab rides, maybe 10 to 15%. The surface condition of some of the roads here are worst than Singapore as sometimes there are bumps here and there.

Major grocery stores in joliet include Walmart, Jewel Osco, Dominick's etc.  That's where we can get the meat, vegetables and fruits.There are also retail stores like CVS, Walgreens. These are stores like 7-eleven in singapore but are larger in scale than 7-eleven and they sell some household items and limited groceries like egg and bread. They are not as large as the grocery stores though. By the way, the grocery stores also have pharmacies of their own. All these stores have their own building and parking lot, unlike Singapore where they are usually tenants in a building. There are no coffee shops, hawker center or wet market here. If you want hot food, you have to buy take out from a restaurant or fast food.

I believe it's God's will for our family to be living here in Joliet. God's general will is shown to us in the bible. That part of His will of where we should work, who we should marry, where should we stay is worked out as we live it out and is unknown to us until it happens. Sometimes we may make plans but I attest that a lot of time we do not know what is good for ourselves . Hence, sometimes it is only from hindsight that we can appreciate His good and perfect will for us.

Romans 12:2

2Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. - niv

2And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. - kjv

Waking up to a retrenchment

February 26, 2009

I recently received an email from a friend of mine telling me he was retrenched and asking me if there are job opportunities in US. I gave him a chicago job website and did not probe further but I presume it is due to the global economic downturn.

He has children and I thought it must be hard on him, so I asked if he has enough savings and he told me that he has enough. Thank God that he is prepared.

All of us in the capitalistic world operate within the economic framework and are not buffered from the effects of any recession. In difficult times, jobs are hard to keep and people fall into hardship. There is nothing an individual can do to to prevent it but he can be prepared for it.

Saving for the rainy day is a good virtue and it may be wise in good times to put aside a percentage of our income for savings. It will be good  to save up enough cash to last for at least a year or more of unemployment.  Six months may not even be enough. Finding a new job may take more than six months and then what happens?

Being aware of your transferable skill sets helps. For example, organisational skills, interpersonal skills, numeric skills etc. This is important especially when you are crossing  to a new job domain.  When times are good, try applying for new jobs, if not to get the job, at least get some interview experience and you will be able to gain an insight of what kind of other jobs you are able to handle.

Often times, being retrenched may mean that you will have to go back to school again, just to get the skillsets that are relevant. That means also saving enough money to retrain when the times are good.

I think the most important asset to an individual is to keep an open mind and be able to unlearn and relearn. Carrying that attitude will enable you to go a  long way.

We should take retrenchment as a form of character training from God if we have not sinned against Him.  Maybe God is trying to steer us to another direction in life or He is trying to focus our attention to other things.

Matthew 10:30

And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. - niv

If even our hairs are numbered, how much more it is that  due to chance that we are retrenched. The point is that  things will eventually work out for the good because God is good and He is only training us now. Christians, tune your ears to God's fine prompting.